Teen Years And On...

This situation was a daily thing throughout my teen years as well as my young adulthood. At 22 I developed, by accident, a serious eating disorder (Anorexia & bulimia nervosa). Nobody in the medical field knew of it at the time and although I sought treatment, there was nothing around, no support groups or therapists who treated this disorder. So, I started researching and the first book I came acrosss was "The Golden Cage" which was such a revelation and a relief because you always think you are the only one who does it and you are a " bad person", and I fit the profile to a "T" except for having parents who were overachievers which was not the case because my father abandoned my sister and me when I was two years old. As for my mother she was, at best, very neglectful and made me feel like I was somewhat retarded. So she did not expect me to do well in anything except in sports which I was a natural at. However the emphasis in French schools was strictly academic. I NEVER trusted that I had any intelligence and forced myself to learn everything by heart. You can imagine the amount of work and time it encompassed. The never ending feeling that I was inadequate and stupid.

IQ Test "See, I Am Smart After All!"

Ironically years later while in the US and under therapy, I had to take an IQ test, which terrified me because I was always so anxious about failing tests in general, which I did several times, let alone an IQ test! but I braced myself and went for it. Guess what? I got a score of 143! I felt like taking that piece of paper and shout out to the world:" See, I am smart after all!
To give you an example of my anxiety about any test, I remember having to go for an emission test for my car. I was remarried living in the US and feeling a lot more secure generally speaking, but I was trembling as a leaf, almost having a panic attack for which I had to take medication before I went for the test! Can you imagine such fear for a routine car emission test! I passed with flying colors by the way and thanked my car effusively.

Anyway I kept reading away books on my disorder and lots of books on psychology which opened my eyes and my mind to all the different therapeutic methods. I sure did drop the Freudian approach, Yuck! for someone who had strong issues with trust, it was the worst type of therapy I endured.

Don't give up on me yet, I will get to the Fibromyalgia part soon. To be continued...

I would greatly appreciate feedback if anyone is interested.

Over 40 Years With Fibromyalgia

After living with Fibromyalgia for over 40 years and enduring pain, lack of knowledge and support by all the doctors I saw, I have finally achieved a quality of life that is highly productive...

When And Why Did My Fibromyalgia Start...

We are all told that the source of Fibromyalgia is unknown but that the most possible cause is physical or emotional trauma.

My story started very early in life, in fact, in my mother's womb.

I have known all my life that my mother never loved me or liked me and, even though she always has denied it, our relationship has always been toxic or caustic. One day when I was in my forties I attempted to get the truth from her. Finally, after many prior confrontations without result, she exploded and told (or rather barked at me), "OK, Anyes, you really want to know the truth?" To which I replied, "Yes, Mother, I REALLY want to know the truth."

She replied, "Well, I don't know if this thing 'that a fetus in the womb can feel anything physical or emotional' is 'bullshit' or not. But when I was pregnant with you, I tried to abort you seven times, and I did not succeed. So there you have it!"

Would you know, I felt relieved, because all of my life I knew deep down that I was unwanted, unloved, a burden, and she continued to try and 'abort' everything I undertook in life. It was the first validation of what I had felt and known all my life. But her treatment of me was always so insidious that I could never quite put my finger on what was wrong...

So, This is my theory...

I was born with a very tense , tight body, already athletic looking. I figure that, after trying to avoid all of her attempts at aborting me... I must have been a very busy and scared little fetus, trying desperately to avoid the hits I was subjected to and I came out like a little jock. I was literally born a survivor! But at what cost to me and the rest of my life.

Even in childhood I remember early symptoms, like being unable to sleep, having lots of cramps, restless leg syndrome, boiling extremities - to the point that I had to have a bucket of cold water next to my bed so I could dip my hands and feet in it for relief. Also I remember the pervasive sensation of NEVER feeling safe anywhere; not at school, and certainly not at home. This ongoing situation made me very anxious and depressed, not surprisingly. And I was a withdrawn child full of complexes of inferiority.